Singles are getting bigger Dissatisfaction with dating appsand those who are strong turn to allies. But with such an investment — often thousands of dollars, much more than Tinder Gold — there’s a lot at stake.
The matchmaker Sameera Sullivan told Mashable that he has been a matchmaker in the US for almost 15 years, first at an international center (though he didn’t say which one) and then on his own. Previously working as a recruiter in the aerospace and defense industry, he was recruited to become an actor. Before the game, he always coached and helped friends.
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While working in this organization, “that’s when I started to see how crazy this industry can be,” he said. Sullivan stayed there for less than a year and saw what they were doing “wrong,” and started doing his own thing.
What are they wrong? These “big box” companies “live on their product,” he said. “The owners are not really united [and] they’re going to deal with everybody,” he explained. “Then there are new companies that are doing a lot of marketing and SEO…which is fine, but they’re marketing to all kinds of people.”
Matchmaking is a centuries-old practice in places like India and China, but what was once a community-oriented service is now a booming business, especially stateside. With as many partner options out there as dating apps, you’ll need to understand. If you’re in the mood to hire a matchmaker, here’s what to do, according to Sullivan and his other clients.
Why hire a matchmaker?
Sullivan’s clients who spoke to Mashable have paid thousands of dollars — in the five figures — for his services and those of other game players. Why throw away so much money when, in terms, a paid subscription to a dating app is very expensive?
The man, 65 to 70 years old, who asked not to be identified when speaking to Mashable, said cool place to be tired and wanted to find another way. He wanted a boutique, bespoke service with better sorting.
“Just going from a dating site to a gamer gives you, I think, a better pool,” he said. Singles are pre-screened and interested in relationships, unlike dating apps, where users’ desires vary widely. And from a security perspective, it might be better, given the increased testing.
“Exploration is the most important thing in making a game,” Sullivan said.
Sullivan told Mashable that his vetting process includes not only a criminal background check, but also a background check on their employment history, if they have any homes, marital history, and the like. If they were married before, they would check to make sure they were fully divorced. He or his team also conducts an interview, usually 90 minutes long, to learn more about them and what they want.
How thorough the background check is depends on the service you use, however. Cheryl, who has worked with Sullivan, had a bad experience when the former ministry matched her with men from her district. Always open-minded, he flew to Florida to meet her, and during a meal (which he didn’t pay for), he “joked” that he would take her to whatever she deserved.
“The waiter paused and looked at me, I kept quiet and looked at him, and… at one point I said, ‘Hey, just so you know, you said that out loud, and I can see it,'” she said. “I think he was using this service as a way to find rich women.”
Cheryl reported the man to the ministry, and they removed him. However, his experience didn’t completely shut down his game – he found Sullivan when he was looking for a close match.
Red flags for a copycat
When you reach out to matchmaking services, they will usually have a consultation first before they go with you, usually over the phone. During this call, you may be able to see red flags.
Be wary of any promises or guarantees they make. Some services guarantee matching offers, but beyond that, they cannot tell you that they will find you a match. Sullivan’s client, Ro, tried a large matchmaking agency, and the salesperson she spoke to sold her on it. While FaceTiming, Ro says he told her finding a partner would be a slam dunk – but then, after signing up, he said he doesn’t take clients, and gave her a partner.
“It was disappointing right away,” said Ro. He was also promised that he would come in every week, but then he heard the service for two or three weeks at a time.
“They promised me a small number of dates. They came up with a small number of connections, but I refused a lot,” he recalled. “They just didn’t find me.”
“I’m not going to get you, honey. I’m going to get you candidates.”
“I have a company, and we sell, and I don’t like the sales people who sell to me,” said Richard, another customer who has used many aggregator services. He found Sullivan to be truthful because he did not make those promises. He told her, “I’m not going to get you, honey. I’m going to get you candidates.”
Another potential red flag (depending) is the business customer. If they promise to provide services to all types of people, they may not be able to focus on a specific group and their needs (for example, a certain religion or gender). Some matchmakers are specific to certain areas (if you search for “California matchmakers,” for example, you’ll find other matchmakers in that state, and you’ll also find services nationwide or around the world).
“We have a code of conduct,” Sullivan said of the game’s partners. “We have a responsibility to be responsible for who we take, because we cannot deal with everyone. Not everyone will be our customer willing to pay us.”
Sullivan only takes certain clients. He charges a premium price (some clients pay six figures), but it’s not just about who can pay; it’s about who wants to do the work. He hires a coach who evaluates clients based on attachment styles and Dr.’s personality test. Helen Fisher, also uses the Gottman Method for couples therapy. If those potential customers aren’t into this, they aren’t working with them.
“Some guys just want dates, and that’s not my thing,” she said. And although he has a free and valuable (paid) website for women – who are also tested – his customers are only men.
Some services, however, are more focused on money than integrity, he said, and are willing to take anyone.
Matchmaker questions
When interviewing a matchmaker, you can ask them to show you sample profiles of potential matches on their website. One of the most important things Sullivan tells people to ask is: Are the people you show me single and available today? Have they been tested before? (That is, have they talked to a matchmaking service?)
“You have to have a very detailed discussion,” Sullivan said.
The producer may say they can’t show you because you haven’t started with them (especially if they’re waiting for your check to clear), but Sullivan said that’s BS, because the person they show you during the consultation has to be the right one. “If you’re going to take someone and say to them, ‘These are the five women we have [for you],’ three of them must be present and unmarried,” he said.
Another thing to ask is who will you be working with – the seller? If so, how long have they been with the company? That was the problem in Ro’s case; he met the merchant, but he did not end up working with him. Who you end up working with depends on the matching service. At Sullivan, for example, you may end up working with the first person who investigates you.
Another important factor to mention is the location. If you’re only looking for a match in Arizona, for example, the matchmaker should be able to show you singles in Arizona. Location matters, obviously, and there are game players everywhere; if the person you’re talking to doesn’t have clients where you are, they can refer you to someone who does.
“Love is deceptive.”
Richard said that the most important thing is to communicate with your partner, because you will spend a lot of time on the phone with him. Both he and Ro say do your due diligence and research. You can look on Google or Reddit to see how people are reviewing different services (but, as with everything, take it with a grain of salt.)
Even if you do everything right, however, love and marriage are not guaranteed. “It may or may not happen.” The difference, he said, is that you don’t look. So moderate your expectations because, as he said, “Love is deceptive.”
